#1 - june 17th, 2020

i cannot begin to put into words the perpetual indescribable torment of being alive in a world that wasn't
ever meant to be mine. i want to be happy, and i want to love, and be free, and get dizzy from laughter,
but it is so beyond difficult to be light in a life that sees me as nothing more than a shadow.
it's not at all that i'm incapable of feeling happiness - because i do, all the time,
it's just that when i get home, after everyone is asleep and i'm left alone with myself and nobody else; reality sets in -
i am completely unloved by this world. nothings wants me. nobody wants me to stay here. i never wanted to get used to feeling like this.
it's the deepest pain and the hardest fight for me to fight - knowing that if i will ever be loved in my life, it will have to come from within myself,
nobody else on this earth will ever love me unless it is myself. it's the hardest pill for me to swallow. the cards i've been dealt send me into an unbearable paralysis.
it's a terrible and nauseating reality, having to live with myself, in this body, on this earth. some day, i'll be good at it - for now i'm just stuck in the gap of "almost."
it's heartbreaking, how anybody can almost be something. how i'm almost okay. how i've almost got it figured out. only almost.